Legend of Zelda: Of Light and Shadow

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Legend of Zelda: Of Light and Shadow

Post  Jak on Mon May 05, 2014 12:56 am

The new name for my old 'What If' fanfic. Here I'll be posting chapters and would love feedback ^^

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"I'M GONNA KILL PRAXIS!"
—Jak's first words... just... wow...
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Jak

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Chapter 1

Post  Jak on Tue May 06, 2014 1:20 am

((Not many changes, mostly rewording and renaming Sheik from 'Mikau' to 'Heski'))

The halls of Hyrule castle were decorated with fine accessories including the Triforce and the eye of the Sheikah side-by-side, symbolizing the king and queen of Hyrule. The queen of Hyrule was a Sheikah, wearing a form-fitting white dress that showed off her slender figure with the Triforce in the centre of the chest. Royalty from each race gathered, bearing gifts to celebrate the birth of Hyrule's new prince and princess. The Zora queen was first to approach the children in their mother's arms "they are as beautiful as their mother," she praised "what are their names?" The hylian queen smiled as she replied "my son's name is Heski, and my daughter's name is Zelda" The hylian king, who wore a white suit with a gold trim, stood behind his wife and said "I hear you're expecting a child of your own. You must be happy" The Zora queen smiled as she placed her present on a nearby table and left.

As the party progressed, and all the guests left, the king and queen of Hyrule went to their chamber and placed their babies into their cribs. "They look so peaceful" the queen sighed as she climbed into their large bed "yes, and our boy will make a fine Sheikah" the king said as he joined his queen
"What!? Do you realize how dangerous it is to be a Sheikah!?"
"you doubt my predictions?"
"I don't understand"
"I said he will make a fine Sheikah, I saw nothing about him dying. I actually saw him as an old man, and he was as healthy as a horse!"
"but-"
"enough worrying my love. let's sleep"
"alright, but I refuse to allow Heski become a Sheikah" and with that, they fell asleep.

A few years past, Heski and Zelda were now eight years old and training in grace, elegance, and etiquette. Zelda trained under Romani, and Heski trained under Shiro. Romani was Zelda's former nanny and friend, but was rehired as Zelda's personal trainer. "Now Zelda, when entering a room you must hold your shoulders back and keep your back straight," Romani demonstrated what she had explained and then turned to her pupil who was wearing a plain white dress that flared at the hip and had her long blonde hair in a braid "now you try"

Zelda took a deep breath and walked, showing off her natural beauty, elegance, and charm. Romani clapped as she said "excellent! Just try to look less nervous, and you'll do wonderfully at the next celebration!" Zelda smiled as she curtsied and started to practice again.

Heski was not as naturally talented as his sister and was scolded a lot. "Not again... Heski, you must find your balance or you'll disgrace the entire family!" Shiro stressed as he helped Heski of the ground. Heski groaned as he wiped dirt off his white suit and out of his ruffled blonde hair "I know. I know. But I don't want to be royalty, I want to be a Sheikah, like mom used to be" Shiro shook his head and replied "You know your mother won't allow it"
"Then train me in secret!"
"Zelda's new nanny, Impa, is the only one that could possibly train you"
"I refuse to train as royalty! I can't do it! I won't do it!" Feeling defeated, Heski ran to his room and hid in his closet. The cool darkness soothed him as he struggled not to cry. Suddenly, the door opened letting harsh light in. Impa was standing in front of Heski, she knelt down and asked "what are you doing your highness? Princess Zelda saw you running inside and sent me to check on you" Heski looked away and sighed "I'm fine... I just got a headache, that's all" Impa looked thoughtfully at Mikau for a moment and smiled. She started to whistle a tune. Heski looked at Impa and asked "what song was that?" Impa stopped and replied "that was the Nocturne of Shadow, only certain people know what power lies in these notes" Heski became depressed and angry again as he hissed "the Sheikah and Hero of Time, right? I hate being royalty! I feel like a walking-talking doll whose only purpose is to look nice and obey orders... I know! Will you train me!? Please!? All you have to do is-" Impa laughed lightly, cutting him off "I have already acquired permission to train you. I got it just now," Heski tilted his head in confusion "your father told me that the moment you told someone you did not want to be a prince, I would have permission to train you" Heski seemed a bit happier as he asked
"a-and mom?"
"I'm afraid she is not pleased, but your father managed to persuade her to allow your training"
"Really!? No kidding!?"
"Really" Impa smiled as Heski laughed and cried tears of joy. Impa chuckled "you'd best prepare for training tomorrow... Sheik" Heski looked up at Impa and asked "Sheik? What's that?" Impa helped Heski to his feet as she replied "that is your new name. Heski was a prince, therefore he is well known. So, to part yourself from Heski, you will need a new name. A name that makes you feel the farthest from Heski" Heski thought for a moment and then smiled, saying "Sheik... I like that name" from that moment on, Heski was forgotten and Sheik was born.

Sheik's training was both long and painful, and usually ended with his face in the ground. Impa shook her head and said "Sheik, what was that? I thought I told you, your chain whip is of more use to you if you distance yourself from your enemy" Sheik got off the ground and picked up his chain whip saying "I tried to use the chain whip to get into the tree and avoid your attack. I guess I failed" Sheik was wearing the traditional training gear of the Sheikah, A black skin-tight jumpsuit with the eye of Sheikah on the chest. Sheik fell to his knees and yelled as he held his left eye in pain. Impa went over to him and asked "Sheik, what is wrong? What happened?" Sheik replied weakly "m-my... my eye... it hurts... I keep seeing... h-him" a worried look loomed over Impa's face as she asked "who is 'he'?" Sheik took a breath and spoke weakly once again "I don't know... h-he's with the Kokiri, but he doesn't have a fairy. I-I think one of the Kokiri called him Link"
"You can... hear them?!"
"N-no, I was reading their lips"
"How clearly can you see them!?"
"Like they're... r-right in front of me"
"T-the boy you see, what does he look like?"
"He wears... Kokirish clothing, a-a green hat and tunic, with brown travel boots. He has short blond hair and I-I think he has blue eyes"
"Alright. Sheik, your training is over for today. Go back to your room and try to rest. I have some business to attend to" Impa helped Sheik stand and left.

Zelda was in her room, rehearsing new greetings she had learned when Impa burst through the door, the way she carefully closed the door behind her worried Zelda. Zelda went to Impa and asked "Impa?! What's the matter?! Why are you all out of breath?!" Impa laughed wearily as she replied "I-I have come to inform you... Sheik had a vision. He saw a boy in green... just like... you! The only differences were that he did not have a fairy or sparkling jewel. But, from the description you gave me of the boy in your vision, he is the same boy" Zelda looked frightened as she whispered "does that mean... my vision may be true?!" Impa nodded her head and looked out the window saying "he is only ten years old... he is to young" They looked at each other and nodded. The time has come to keep tabs on the new advisor, Ganondorf.

_________________
"I'M GONNA KILL PRAXIS!"
—Jak's first words... just... wow...
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
ಠ_ಠ put
ಠ‿ಠ The Table
( ಠ益ಠ) BACK!
┬──┬ ノ( ゜^゜ノ) sorry
avatar
Jak

Posts : 1959
Join date : 2013-01-27
Age : 23
Location : Haven City

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Re: Legend of Zelda: Of Light and Shadow

Post  Rynn on Wed Jun 04, 2014 12:43 am

I like it, but I think its a little too rushed. The pace could be a little slower. Give more reaction time to the characters.

I also feel that it lacks some details. Like why did the King see Heisk as a Sheikah? Was Heisk told about stories of their mother being a Sheikah? Myabe write some thinking thoughts of the characters. I think theree should be a bit more detail of the areas they're in. Not always but some areas like the royal get together of the new royal children and the training ground that Sheik was in. Just to give the story more depth. Maybe in a secret garden at Hyrule Castle? Or the Kakariko Village Graveyard near the Shadow Temple? Just ideas.

Overall its a great start, but personally I think the pace should be slowed down and maybe a few more details should be added, like more about Heisk growing up a bit before becoming a Sheikah, and maybe more detail on what he likes about the Sheikah.

I'm not great with stories myself, but you asked for feedback so I figured I would try Smile ((if anything sounds offensive or dumb let me know. I have no intent on being mean to you D: ))
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Rynn

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Re: Legend of Zelda: Of Light and Shadow

Post  Jak on Wed Jun 04, 2014 12:50 am

you weren't offensive, you were honest. And feedback is important regardless of whether it's good or bad Smile

_________________
"I'M GONNA KILL PRAXIS!"
—Jak's first words... just... wow...
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
ಠ_ಠ put
ಠ‿ಠ The Table
( ಠ益ಠ) BACK!
┬──┬ ノ( ゜^゜ノ) sorry
avatar
Jak

Posts : 1959
Join date : 2013-01-27
Age : 23
Location : Haven City

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